I had this thought while walking from the train to the baggage check. The long hallways and corridors, that unless I had been there before, I would swear that it never ends. It was a complete thought, from inception to end; I was convinced in a four second thought.
A lot has been going on lately. Not just from a "Seth" perspective, but from an "everyone" perspective. Everyone's lives are changing (constantly), everyone is questioning, loving, living, relating, hating, debating, procrastinating and many other words that end in -ing. But the thing is I can't speak for everyone. I can't know their thoughts or express them truly in full form. But, what I can do is speak for myself. I can tell you that life really isn't so bad. No matter the problems or questions we face - everything from "what do I eat next" (ham or turkey) to "should I move half way across the world" to "where is my career now and where should it be in five years" to "why don't I talk to my family as much now as I used to"? The first is easy. I should eat ham, because honestly, I'm not a huge turkey fan. But the rest… hhhmmm. I'm not going to answer these individually. Not because they don't all have their separate answers and deserve their own special attention, but because I can answer them all, with one answer. Whether I "unpack" these individually or not, it all boils down to a simpler idea; an idea that really, within reason, no matter the choice, no matter the outcome, it will all be ok.
I believe in God, but I also believe that God gave us each free will; free will to dictate our own lives, choose how we perceive others and choose how we want to be perceived. I choose to be happy. Not because God gave me everything I’ve ever wanted and therefore I’m happy. Because, I realize what God has given me, I’m thankful for all of it (the good and the bad) and I choose to be happy. Right now, I can choose to be annoyed or angry that the person taking up half my seat on this flight should have purchased two tickets, that my flight was delayed two hours or that I’m only going to spend a total of four full days this month in the city that I live in, not able to see my cats, not able to see my friends and consequently feel disconnected from “normalcy”. I can choose to look at these things in a negative light, complain, moan and groan – but all for what? Because it really seems that’s become the status quo these days. It’s easier to be negative, it’s easier to blame, it’s easier to hate.
I’m not absolving myself from any of these things. I’ve done them all. But what I’ve also done lately is try to change. Not just myself – but the status quo. It’s true, smile and you’ll make someone else smile. Be positive and negative Nancy will follow. Instead of making a snide remark or act out my discomfort towards this lady next to me, I decided to chat with her – ask her about her life “what brings you to NYC?” Turns out her Mom had a stroke and she’s flying to be with her. The last thing she needs is some guy next to her groaning about how an hour and forty minutes of his life was slightly uncomfortable because of her weight. What she needs is someone to talk to. She’s lonely right now and judging from the prescriptions I saw in her purse, she is having a rough time with life right now.
As for the two hour delay: let me be upset that that’s a few hours more of sleep I could have got or that I’ll miss our weekly status meeting or that I’ll probably be working late tonight to make up the time. Yea… I should go ahead and complain about that, but why? Instead, I started talking to this guy at the terminal, Jason. He’s from Nashville, married with 3 kids (ages 8, 5 and 4). Wishes he didn’t travel so much… misses his family. I’m sure his family misses him. He has a built-in video camera in his laptop so they can Skype each night, but it’s not the same. You can’t feel the touch of your loved ones lips or your daughter’s hand through a camera.
I don’t spend each month of my life traveling. I don’t usually spend just four nights a month with my cats or friends. I don’t usually only talk to my Mom or Grandparents just once in three and five weeks respectively. But this month is different. This month is full of opportunity; full of irregularities and hope. Would I love to not be on the road five days a week so I can enjoy the pleasantries of “home-life” a little more? Yes, but there is time for that. I made a choice this month to stay two weekends in NYC for different reasons and I love those reasons. I love my life and I love the choices I’m making in it. Because they are my choices to make, my happiness to attain and my story to write.
I think there is a reason for everything. I can’t in good faith believe that we are all just victims of circumstance and choice. What I can accept is that we don’t need to know the reason for everything. We don’t need to constantly ask ourselves questions that just flat out don’t have answers (or at least answers we’ll understand). Søren Kierkegaard once wrote “Life must be lived forwards, but can only be understood backwards.” I see where he’s coming from and I do mostly agree. However, not everything can be understood. Like the time one of my best friends in high school started doing drugs and stopped talking to me for a few years… and then we were friends again and continue to be. Or the time I walked in on this girl cheating on me. Or the time my parents got divorced. Or the time… you get the point. I have no clue why these things happened. I have no idea what they’re meaning is or how I’m suppose to apply these to my life. Don’t date cheaters? Don’t have parents that get divorced? It’s not that easy. But one thing I can do is accept that it happened, move on and make the best of it.
My point is, no matter the decision, no matter the scale of suck, no matter the sandwich, we have a choice in how we deal with situations: large or small.
So (someplace still unknown), are you ready for me? Because in 5 years, I don’t want to know where my career is and really, right now, I don’t care. I’m not living 5 years from now, I’m living now. I’m making choices now. I’m making life happen, now.
“Everything is ok in the end. And if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”
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