my girlfriend has these nights called "me" nights. they're essentially blocks of time, a night, reserved specifically for doing things you want to do.
this is what i'm going to do:
-play guitar
-watch mnf
-eat
-pee
-sleep
this is what i'm not going to do:
-anything else. arg, i hope i don't have to poo.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
untitled
as I had just checked out of the grand hotel in amstelveen (not so grand after all) and hopped in the taxi (which are all mercedes benz by the way) we hadn't been on the road more than 2 minutes and the friend's theme song by the Rembrandt's came on the radio. suddenly, I missed home. didn't really miss my current home in chicago, or my homes before that, but I just missed my family home. the home I grew up in. the home I played ninja turtles with action figures in. the home where holiday's came and went as well as the seasons and the memories. I missed the naiveté, the simplicity and wholeness I felt so many years ago. most would say that as you get older you gradually become more and more whole but I would argue you actually become more and more... less? it's true, you gain more knowledge over time but a vast majority of this knowledge eats at you in one way or another that over time just seems to lessen one's ability to even feel whole. hearts get broken, friends move on/away, people die, and time takes it's dreary toll on all our lives. at times we just want to throw our hands up and scream "enough already!" but, we can't. to do so admits defeat, that we can't handle it. whatever it is.
Monday, July 26, 2010
premarital what?
Having been doing a lot of reading in the Bible lately and comparing what is said to the ideals I’ve taught myself over the past 26 years and things that happen to be quite a point of contention amongst communities and cultures today, I’ve uncovered a wealth of information. First of all, it’s amazing how twisted people are. People from all walks of life will twist words and come to conclusions only to prove what they already believe. Heck, I may be doing the exact same thing, you tell me. What I do want to say is that everything that is said needs to be read with common sense. If you don’t think you possess common sense or the ability to NOT twist my words into something that they are not intended, then stop now, there is no point for your eyes to graze this text any longer. Now, let’s set the stage.
Let’s put some things in context. I’m a huge fan of context for two reasons. It’s helps us realize where we come from and it helps us understand where we are currently. There are multiple books in the Bible that discuss marriage, sex, prostitution, incest and the like – most notably Corinthians, Leviticus, Mark, Matthew, Romans, etc… However, none of these, yes, you read correctly, none of them mention pre-marital sex in the context of two consenting loving adults. All the examples set a stage of quite the opposite. A stage where the reader is automatically assuming the intentions of the two people involved are not pure, but solely lustful.
From one of my previous posts I talked about how God gave us free will, and for him to condemn us for using that gift (that gift which does not intentionally hurt others) is hypocritical. Without free will, humans are slaves to a higher power, and in my opinion that defeats the purpose of life. We’d be like those little Army figures we used to play with growing up – jumping off ledges and blowing up the enemy troops with no real idea of what we’re doing or why we’re doing it.
The main subject I want to talk about is pre-marital sex. Most of us will agree that things such as pre-meditated murder without cause in completely unjustifiable (I’m totes ok with the state ending the lives of serial killers and mass murders so they don’t even have the free will to do more harm). But, out of all the contentious matters we face in our daily lives, I believe pre-marital sex is one that has the least agreeability and is most prevalent in the lives of young adults today. I also believe that homosexuality is another, but I’ll save that for another post.
It's interesting to think how different the Bible would be if it were written today instead of thousands of years ago. Back then there were arranged marriages, there was no dating or courtship; girls were betrothed shortly after puberty.... I mean, we do exactly the opposite nowadays. We choose our own lifelong partners, we try before we buy and heck, I don't exactly know what betrothed means but I'm guessing it doesn't happen at the age of 12 anymore. In biblical times there just wasn't a whole lot of sex taking place before marriage, since people married at such young ages, and there just wasn't much time between reaching the age of sexual maturity and marriage. Most of the sex taking place was after marriage, either with your spouse, which was good, or not with your spouse, which was bad, and that's why there's more talk about adultery than pre-marital sex. We wrestle with this issue more now because the time span between reaching the age of sexual maturity and marriage has bumped up a decade or two since biblical times. If you really want to live your life in sync with the Bible, then ask your parents to arrange a marriage for you, make sure the boy brings gifts to the girls parent’s and start having babies around the age of 15. So I ask you, when we discuss premarital sex today, are we really comparing apples to apples or are we changing the game but keeping the same rules?
Furthermore, the scriptures were not written in English, so not all scholars agree on the best way to interpret the Bible. If you look in a Greek dictionary to find the meanings of the original koline Greek words for "fornication" or "sexual immorality" ("porneia") you will find that premarital sex is sometimes included in the definitions for those Greek words and sometimes not. In the Bible, "sexual immorality", or porneia, encompasses adultery, prostitution, idolatry, rape, pedophilia, and other practices as well. Essentially from what I’ve read, there was no word for “premarital sex” (because the actual act wasn’t prevalent in society), so the scholars just used a one-for-all word and moved on thinking it wasn’t a big deal. So now, the koline Greek word porneia has been mistranslated as fornication all the while there is no biblical basis whatsoever to translate porneia into fornication (singles sex). So it’s really unfair, not to mention inaccurate, to cite places in the Bible where fornication is condemned and then say fornication = premarital sex.
Let’s put some things in context. I’m a huge fan of context for two reasons. It’s helps us realize where we come from and it helps us understand where we are currently. There are multiple books in the Bible that discuss marriage, sex, prostitution, incest and the like – most notably Corinthians, Leviticus, Mark, Matthew, Romans, etc… However, none of these, yes, you read correctly, none of them mention pre-marital sex in the context of two consenting loving adults. All the examples set a stage of quite the opposite. A stage where the reader is automatically assuming the intentions of the two people involved are not pure, but solely lustful.
From one of my previous posts I talked about how God gave us free will, and for him to condemn us for using that gift (that gift which does not intentionally hurt others) is hypocritical. Without free will, humans are slaves to a higher power, and in my opinion that defeats the purpose of life. We’d be like those little Army figures we used to play with growing up – jumping off ledges and blowing up the enemy troops with no real idea of what we’re doing or why we’re doing it.
The main subject I want to talk about is pre-marital sex. Most of us will agree that things such as pre-meditated murder without cause in completely unjustifiable (I’m totes ok with the state ending the lives of serial killers and mass murders so they don’t even have the free will to do more harm). But, out of all the contentious matters we face in our daily lives, I believe pre-marital sex is one that has the least agreeability and is most prevalent in the lives of young adults today. I also believe that homosexuality is another, but I’ll save that for another post.
It's interesting to think how different the Bible would be if it were written today instead of thousands of years ago. Back then there were arranged marriages, there was no dating or courtship; girls were betrothed shortly after puberty.... I mean, we do exactly the opposite nowadays. We choose our own lifelong partners, we try before we buy and heck, I don't exactly know what betrothed means but I'm guessing it doesn't happen at the age of 12 anymore. In biblical times there just wasn't a whole lot of sex taking place before marriage, since people married at such young ages, and there just wasn't much time between reaching the age of sexual maturity and marriage. Most of the sex taking place was after marriage, either with your spouse, which was good, or not with your spouse, which was bad, and that's why there's more talk about adultery than pre-marital sex. We wrestle with this issue more now because the time span between reaching the age of sexual maturity and marriage has bumped up a decade or two since biblical times. If you really want to live your life in sync with the Bible, then ask your parents to arrange a marriage for you, make sure the boy brings gifts to the girls parent’s and start having babies around the age of 15. So I ask you, when we discuss premarital sex today, are we really comparing apples to apples or are we changing the game but keeping the same rules?
Furthermore, the scriptures were not written in English, so not all scholars agree on the best way to interpret the Bible. If you look in a Greek dictionary to find the meanings of the original koline Greek words for "fornication" or "sexual immorality" ("porneia") you will find that premarital sex is sometimes included in the definitions for those Greek words and sometimes not. In the Bible, "sexual immorality", or porneia, encompasses adultery, prostitution, idolatry, rape, pedophilia, and other practices as well. Essentially from what I’ve read, there was no word for “premarital sex” (because the actual act wasn’t prevalent in society), so the scholars just used a one-for-all word and moved on thinking it wasn’t a big deal. So now, the koline Greek word porneia has been mistranslated as fornication all the while there is no biblical basis whatsoever to translate porneia into fornication (singles sex). So it’s really unfair, not to mention inaccurate, to cite places in the Bible where fornication is condemned and then say fornication = premarital sex.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
funny thing...
... when we're young we couldn't fathom going to school on our birthday. maybe that's just me because i have a summer birthday - but still, seems so odd that your birthday would be "just another day". i mean, do we ever go to school or work on christmas?? heck no! yet as we get older we realize our birthday is just an excuse for everyone else to be nice to us. don't get me wrong, there's enough people in the world who are mean, so i'll take it. but perspective (and gray hair) really plays its part with age. the past two years i had to be reminded it was my birthday, and today was no exception.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
If I won the lottery...
... I decided I'd disconnect my e-mail, delete my Facebook, Twitter, and Blogger accounts, send a mass "FU corporate world" e-mail from my work e-mail account, then charter a plane to some far off rain forest, then I'd chuck my phone in one last ditch effort to rid myself of all things technology. Too bad I don't play the lottery.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
i'll let don blog for me
i feel like this could be part 2 of my free will rant.
http://donmilleris.com/2010/04/29/does-god-have-a-specific-plan-for-your-life-probably-not/
all his posts are great. he has a great way of intertwining the word with real life and things we all experience and think about.
http://donmilleris.com/2010/04/29/does-god-have-a-specific-plan-for-your-life-probably-not/
all his posts are great. he has a great way of intertwining the word with real life and things we all experience and think about.
Friday, April 16, 2010
free will - proof... well, logical proof. ok, no proof, but logical, right?
i remember going to dinner at a friends' house a few years back with my roommate and over the course of the night, conversation changed from small talk to religion. i don't remember every detail of the conversation or how it really came about (how does it ever come about, really?) but i remember there was a debate on free will and whether or not we control our lives/destiny.
on the car ride home that night i really started racking my brain. really started talking out loud, you know? god gave us the ability to reason, to make logical decisions. that same god (unless you wanna get all polytheistic on me) gave us the ability to ignore reason, to ignore logic, and basically make decisions that are either flat out stupid or from the heart. i'm not implying reasons from the heart are stupid, i'm merely saying that they are not always logical. love being one of them.
if you believe in god, you most likely believe there is a reason for y/our existence. if you do not believe in god, then you probably don't and my argument is flawed so feel free to continue living meaninglessly. but for the theists, i'm sure you are constantly looking for meaning, understanding and fulfillment. you probably often wonder, "why am i here?", "why was i the fastest swimmer?", "what happens when my heart stops beating... for good?". well, i can't answer that nor will we probably all agree on what happens after we die, but what we can agree on is that it wasn't all for nothing. we have meaning, we have purpose, we have a reason. the next question is, who decides this purpose or reason?
god put us here for a reason. to reason. to mean. to make decisions. this "earth thing" HAS to be a test. this time we get to spend here enjoying all of god's creation - is a test. he's allowing US to choose what happens next. otherwise, everything is pre-determined and we're born, god watches us fuck up repeatedly throughout our lives, then we die and god forgets about us. doubtful. any god loving soul will agree THIS has to mean something. this has to be a test. this has to be US choosing what will happen next. and what happens after you take a test - you get graded. now, i don't want to speculate on god's grading system and if he grades on a bell curve or not (i cannot know that nor can i change it) but what i can change is how i take the test. how i answer the questions. now when you take a test in school you usually knew when you were going to take it, therefore some us studied. in life, you get to study and take the test all at once. it's like an open book exam (the best!). we're allowed to reason through our choices, learn from our mistakes, learn from other's mistakes and better ourselves throughout the course of our lives. really, the more i think about it, this is one of the easiest tests you'll take, but also the most difficult. i mean you have all these resources at your disposal - family, friends, teachers, literature, the interwebs, etc... all while you take this test - yet a lot of the time the questions we're being asked aren't multiple choice, or even true/false. most of the time it's an open ended essay that will eventually be subjectively judged by the ultimate teacher - god.
now, i don't mean to say that god doesn't play a role in our lives, in our interactions. i equate this to that of any sort of card game or board game really. there's always the setup, the preparation. you have to open the box, get the pieces out, distribute widgets, count stuff. in the test of life, god does these things for you. he puts people in your life for a reason, gives you a set of circumstances and sets the stage so to speak. but once the game is setup, YOU get to move those pieces on the board. YOU get to choose whether or not you'll buy or sell that property. YOU get to choose which card you'll choose next.
now i'm a logical person (if that's not obvious already). and i believe that god is logical too, but god also loves us (now i can't prove this, but i do feel this in my heart - and i'm sorry if you don't). now, love, which from the aforementioned and i think most would agree, is a pretty illogical feeling that we can't touch, hear, smell, explain nor prove. therefore i can say with some degree of confidence that god is capable of doing things that are illogical in our lives. this sort of relates to my first post where i mentioned that sometimes things happen in our lives that we can't explain. things that happen for which we know no reason. i can't say that these things are his illogical decisions coming into play in our lives, but i do firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and those reasons may not always be clear to us AND THAT'S OK. too many people are concerned/hung up on clear cut reasons WHY. i ask you this - once you know the reason something seemingly illogical happened to you - what will you do? how will that affect you and your next decisions? if you find out someone cheated on your because the other person was better looking or had a bigger chest - do you immediately run and get plastic surgery (either on your face or your chest)? no! unless you're a completely insecure idiot, you do not. most of the time we just end up saying "eh, their loss". oh crap, i've swayed too far off topic and wrote myself into what will probably be my next blog post...
punch line: life is a test. how will YOU be graded?
on the car ride home that night i really started racking my brain. really started talking out loud, you know? god gave us the ability to reason, to make logical decisions. that same god (unless you wanna get all polytheistic on me) gave us the ability to ignore reason, to ignore logic, and basically make decisions that are either flat out stupid or from the heart. i'm not implying reasons from the heart are stupid, i'm merely saying that they are not always logical. love being one of them.
if you believe in god, you most likely believe there is a reason for y/our existence. if you do not believe in god, then you probably don't and my argument is flawed so feel free to continue living meaninglessly. but for the theists, i'm sure you are constantly looking for meaning, understanding and fulfillment. you probably often wonder, "why am i here?", "why was i the fastest swimmer?", "what happens when my heart stops beating... for good?". well, i can't answer that nor will we probably all agree on what happens after we die, but what we can agree on is that it wasn't all for nothing. we have meaning, we have purpose, we have a reason. the next question is, who decides this purpose or reason?
god put us here for a reason. to reason. to mean. to make decisions. this "earth thing" HAS to be a test. this time we get to spend here enjoying all of god's creation - is a test. he's allowing US to choose what happens next. otherwise, everything is pre-determined and we're born, god watches us fuck up repeatedly throughout our lives, then we die and god forgets about us. doubtful. any god loving soul will agree THIS has to mean something. this has to be a test. this has to be US choosing what will happen next. and what happens after you take a test - you get graded. now, i don't want to speculate on god's grading system and if he grades on a bell curve or not (i cannot know that nor can i change it) but what i can change is how i take the test. how i answer the questions. now when you take a test in school you usually knew when you were going to take it, therefore some us studied. in life, you get to study and take the test all at once. it's like an open book exam (the best!). we're allowed to reason through our choices, learn from our mistakes, learn from other's mistakes and better ourselves throughout the course of our lives. really, the more i think about it, this is one of the easiest tests you'll take, but also the most difficult. i mean you have all these resources at your disposal - family, friends, teachers, literature, the interwebs, etc... all while you take this test - yet a lot of the time the questions we're being asked aren't multiple choice, or even true/false. most of the time it's an open ended essay that will eventually be subjectively judged by the ultimate teacher - god.
now, i don't mean to say that god doesn't play a role in our lives, in our interactions. i equate this to that of any sort of card game or board game really. there's always the setup, the preparation. you have to open the box, get the pieces out, distribute widgets, count stuff. in the test of life, god does these things for you. he puts people in your life for a reason, gives you a set of circumstances and sets the stage so to speak. but once the game is setup, YOU get to move those pieces on the board. YOU get to choose whether or not you'll buy or sell that property. YOU get to choose which card you'll choose next.
now i'm a logical person (if that's not obvious already). and i believe that god is logical too, but god also loves us (now i can't prove this, but i do feel this in my heart - and i'm sorry if you don't). now, love, which from the aforementioned and i think most would agree, is a pretty illogical feeling that we can't touch, hear, smell, explain nor prove. therefore i can say with some degree of confidence that god is capable of doing things that are illogical in our lives. this sort of relates to my first post where i mentioned that sometimes things happen in our lives that we can't explain. things that happen for which we know no reason. i can't say that these things are his illogical decisions coming into play in our lives, but i do firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and those reasons may not always be clear to us AND THAT'S OK. too many people are concerned/hung up on clear cut reasons WHY. i ask you this - once you know the reason something seemingly illogical happened to you - what will you do? how will that affect you and your next decisions? if you find out someone cheated on your because the other person was better looking or had a bigger chest - do you immediately run and get plastic surgery (either on your face or your chest)? no! unless you're a completely insecure idiot, you do not. most of the time we just end up saying "eh, their loss". oh crap, i've swayed too far off topic and wrote myself into what will probably be my next blog post...
punch line: life is a test. how will YOU be graded?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
time is wastin', time is walkin', you ain't no friend of mine
late going to bed last night/this morning. late getting up. late getting in the bathroom (before my room mate). going to be late getting to work. late late late. everyone's always trying so hard to be on time, meet this expectation, get to this place before that happens, etc. i'm just beating to the sound of my own drum lately. i guess as long as no one dies waiting for me... what's the harm?
Monday, March 22, 2010
i spent the cab ride writing this... then i got to my hotel room and lost it... irony, i know
I had this thought while walking from the train to the baggage check. The long hallways and corridors, that unless I had been there before, I would swear that it never ends. It was a complete thought, from inception to end; I was convinced in a four second thought.
A lot has been going on lately. Not just from a "Seth" perspective, but from an "everyone" perspective. Everyone's lives are changing (constantly), everyone is questioning, loving, living, relating, hating, debating, procrastinating and many other words that end in -ing. But the thing is I can't speak for everyone. I can't know their thoughts or express them truly in full form. But, what I can do is speak for myself. I can tell you that life really isn't so bad. No matter the problems or questions we face - everything from "what do I eat next" (ham or turkey) to "should I move half way across the world" to "where is my career now and where should it be in five years" to "why don't I talk to my family as much now as I used to"? The first is easy. I should eat ham, because honestly, I'm not a huge turkey fan. But the rest… hhhmmm. I'm not going to answer these individually. Not because they don't all have their separate answers and deserve their own special attention, but because I can answer them all, with one answer. Whether I "unpack" these individually or not, it all boils down to a simpler idea; an idea that really, within reason, no matter the choice, no matter the outcome, it will all be ok.
I believe in God, but I also believe that God gave us each free will; free will to dictate our own lives, choose how we perceive others and choose how we want to be perceived. I choose to be happy. Not because God gave me everything I’ve ever wanted and therefore I’m happy. Because, I realize what God has given me, I’m thankful for all of it (the good and the bad) and I choose to be happy. Right now, I can choose to be annoyed or angry that the person taking up half my seat on this flight should have purchased two tickets, that my flight was delayed two hours or that I’m only going to spend a total of four full days this month in the city that I live in, not able to see my cats, not able to see my friends and consequently feel disconnected from “normalcy”. I can choose to look at these things in a negative light, complain, moan and groan – but all for what? Because it really seems that’s become the status quo these days. It’s easier to be negative, it’s easier to blame, it’s easier to hate.
I’m not absolving myself from any of these things. I’ve done them all. But what I’ve also done lately is try to change. Not just myself – but the status quo. It’s true, smile and you’ll make someone else smile. Be positive and negative Nancy will follow. Instead of making a snide remark or act out my discomfort towards this lady next to me, I decided to chat with her – ask her about her life “what brings you to NYC?” Turns out her Mom had a stroke and she’s flying to be with her. The last thing she needs is some guy next to her groaning about how an hour and forty minutes of his life was slightly uncomfortable because of her weight. What she needs is someone to talk to. She’s lonely right now and judging from the prescriptions I saw in her purse, she is having a rough time with life right now.
As for the two hour delay: let me be upset that that’s a few hours more of sleep I could have got or that I’ll miss our weekly status meeting or that I’ll probably be working late tonight to make up the time. Yea… I should go ahead and complain about that, but why? Instead, I started talking to this guy at the terminal, Jason. He’s from Nashville, married with 3 kids (ages 8, 5 and 4). Wishes he didn’t travel so much… misses his family. I’m sure his family misses him. He has a built-in video camera in his laptop so they can Skype each night, but it’s not the same. You can’t feel the touch of your loved ones lips or your daughter’s hand through a camera.
I don’t spend each month of my life traveling. I don’t usually spend just four nights a month with my cats or friends. I don’t usually only talk to my Mom or Grandparents just once in three and five weeks respectively. But this month is different. This month is full of opportunity; full of irregularities and hope. Would I love to not be on the road five days a week so I can enjoy the pleasantries of “home-life” a little more? Yes, but there is time for that. I made a choice this month to stay two weekends in NYC for different reasons and I love those reasons. I love my life and I love the choices I’m making in it. Because they are my choices to make, my happiness to attain and my story to write.
I think there is a reason for everything. I can’t in good faith believe that we are all just victims of circumstance and choice. What I can accept is that we don’t need to know the reason for everything. We don’t need to constantly ask ourselves questions that just flat out don’t have answers (or at least answers we’ll understand). Søren Kierkegaard once wrote “Life must be lived forwards, but can only be understood backwards.” I see where he’s coming from and I do mostly agree. However, not everything can be understood. Like the time one of my best friends in high school started doing drugs and stopped talking to me for a few years… and then we were friends again and continue to be. Or the time I walked in on this girl cheating on me. Or the time my parents got divorced. Or the time… you get the point. I have no clue why these things happened. I have no idea what they’re meaning is or how I’m suppose to apply these to my life. Don’t date cheaters? Don’t have parents that get divorced? It’s not that easy. But one thing I can do is accept that it happened, move on and make the best of it.
My point is, no matter the decision, no matter the scale of suck, no matter the sandwich, we have a choice in how we deal with situations: large or small.
So (someplace still unknown), are you ready for me? Because in 5 years, I don’t want to know where my career is and really, right now, I don’t care. I’m not living 5 years from now, I’m living now. I’m making choices now. I’m making life happen, now.
“Everything is ok in the end. And if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”
A lot has been going on lately. Not just from a "Seth" perspective, but from an "everyone" perspective. Everyone's lives are changing (constantly), everyone is questioning, loving, living, relating, hating, debating, procrastinating and many other words that end in -ing. But the thing is I can't speak for everyone. I can't know their thoughts or express them truly in full form. But, what I can do is speak for myself. I can tell you that life really isn't so bad. No matter the problems or questions we face - everything from "what do I eat next" (ham or turkey) to "should I move half way across the world" to "where is my career now and where should it be in five years" to "why don't I talk to my family as much now as I used to"? The first is easy. I should eat ham, because honestly, I'm not a huge turkey fan. But the rest… hhhmmm. I'm not going to answer these individually. Not because they don't all have their separate answers and deserve their own special attention, but because I can answer them all, with one answer. Whether I "unpack" these individually or not, it all boils down to a simpler idea; an idea that really, within reason, no matter the choice, no matter the outcome, it will all be ok.
I believe in God, but I also believe that God gave us each free will; free will to dictate our own lives, choose how we perceive others and choose how we want to be perceived. I choose to be happy. Not because God gave me everything I’ve ever wanted and therefore I’m happy. Because, I realize what God has given me, I’m thankful for all of it (the good and the bad) and I choose to be happy. Right now, I can choose to be annoyed or angry that the person taking up half my seat on this flight should have purchased two tickets, that my flight was delayed two hours or that I’m only going to spend a total of four full days this month in the city that I live in, not able to see my cats, not able to see my friends and consequently feel disconnected from “normalcy”. I can choose to look at these things in a negative light, complain, moan and groan – but all for what? Because it really seems that’s become the status quo these days. It’s easier to be negative, it’s easier to blame, it’s easier to hate.
I’m not absolving myself from any of these things. I’ve done them all. But what I’ve also done lately is try to change. Not just myself – but the status quo. It’s true, smile and you’ll make someone else smile. Be positive and negative Nancy will follow. Instead of making a snide remark or act out my discomfort towards this lady next to me, I decided to chat with her – ask her about her life “what brings you to NYC?” Turns out her Mom had a stroke and she’s flying to be with her. The last thing she needs is some guy next to her groaning about how an hour and forty minutes of his life was slightly uncomfortable because of her weight. What she needs is someone to talk to. She’s lonely right now and judging from the prescriptions I saw in her purse, she is having a rough time with life right now.
As for the two hour delay: let me be upset that that’s a few hours more of sleep I could have got or that I’ll miss our weekly status meeting or that I’ll probably be working late tonight to make up the time. Yea… I should go ahead and complain about that, but why? Instead, I started talking to this guy at the terminal, Jason. He’s from Nashville, married with 3 kids (ages 8, 5 and 4). Wishes he didn’t travel so much… misses his family. I’m sure his family misses him. He has a built-in video camera in his laptop so they can Skype each night, but it’s not the same. You can’t feel the touch of your loved ones lips or your daughter’s hand through a camera.
I don’t spend each month of my life traveling. I don’t usually spend just four nights a month with my cats or friends. I don’t usually only talk to my Mom or Grandparents just once in three and five weeks respectively. But this month is different. This month is full of opportunity; full of irregularities and hope. Would I love to not be on the road five days a week so I can enjoy the pleasantries of “home-life” a little more? Yes, but there is time for that. I made a choice this month to stay two weekends in NYC for different reasons and I love those reasons. I love my life and I love the choices I’m making in it. Because they are my choices to make, my happiness to attain and my story to write.
I think there is a reason for everything. I can’t in good faith believe that we are all just victims of circumstance and choice. What I can accept is that we don’t need to know the reason for everything. We don’t need to constantly ask ourselves questions that just flat out don’t have answers (or at least answers we’ll understand). Søren Kierkegaard once wrote “Life must be lived forwards, but can only be understood backwards.” I see where he’s coming from and I do mostly agree. However, not everything can be understood. Like the time one of my best friends in high school started doing drugs and stopped talking to me for a few years… and then we were friends again and continue to be. Or the time I walked in on this girl cheating on me. Or the time my parents got divorced. Or the time… you get the point. I have no clue why these things happened. I have no idea what they’re meaning is or how I’m suppose to apply these to my life. Don’t date cheaters? Don’t have parents that get divorced? It’s not that easy. But one thing I can do is accept that it happened, move on and make the best of it.
My point is, no matter the decision, no matter the scale of suck, no matter the sandwich, we have a choice in how we deal with situations: large or small.
So (someplace still unknown), are you ready for me? Because in 5 years, I don’t want to know where my career is and really, right now, I don’t care. I’m not living 5 years from now, I’m living now. I’m making choices now. I’m making life happen, now.
“Everything is ok in the end. And if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”
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